The World Is Going to End Unless You Masturbate
You’re our only hope. The fate of the world rests on YOUR shoulders alone. I have been sent from the future with a very urgent message, appearing to you as merely a hologram so as to minimize the effect on the space time continuum. Now, please listen very closely.
It is imperative that you masturbate this very moment to prevent the end of the world we all love. They are directly related if the succession of events is permitted to unfold as I’m about to express to you. I will support your doing just that in every way that I can, watch you to the end if I have to.
I cannot stress the dire consequences of your not doing so enough. Allow me to explain, and then we will proceed….