"I just wanted to thank you for all that you do, you are amazing!!"

Threatening Your Rich Old Ass for Ransom


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3 October 2011

Hello there… I’m… uh… your neighbor… just down the street. You may not have seen me… but I’ve seen you… and your wife. I just wanted to borrow something. I’m cooking. Thank you for inviting me in. Wow… you left that knife over there on the counter top. Dangerous, ay?

Um, yes, just a cup of sugar, I think. That’ll do. How’s your wife? Well, I know she isn’t home… Hey, LISTEN UP, OLD MAN! You see what I have in my hand here? Feel that at your throat? Feel my sweaty palm covering your mouth to hush you?

You’re going to be quite now and you’re going to follow me upstairs to your master bedroom. I’m going to tie you up, and then I’m going to call your wife. I’m holding you for ransom. I’m going to take a small pittance for what you owe me… just for ANNOYING me.

I’m going to be rich, thanks go you. Now, keep your mouth shut! I’ll stifle every moan with my hands.