Tara Tainton

It comes in many styles and descriptions. It wears many different faces, all of which are backed by pseudo-reasoning and excuses of endless number. And I have no tolerance for any of it. I don't know why, but I've never been a jealous girl. And there's no room at all for a jealous man in my life.

I don't know if my own perspective developed from some tiny grain of my future, open-minded and all-accepting self that would later emerge in womanhood. In my not at all fair or just childhood, I grew an unbending need for equality, fairness, and a non-judgmental attitude in my own life and all my relationships. And maybe having a large majority of male friends rather than female friends in my life has a lot to do with it.

I can't stand jealousy. I won't accept it from a partner, and I subconsciously begin to distance myself from acquaintances that reveal that same negative trait without any desire to see it for what it really is or the pain it causes in their own lives. No good can come from jealousy.

I see jealousy for what it is and what's definitely not. It's not flattering, it's not a sign of one person's love or caring for another. Jealousy isn't positive or heartfelt or a show of concern. Jealousy is destructive. It's a sign of poor self-value, low self-esteem, and little self-respect. Jealousy takes what's occurring or the relationships developing in another's life and turns them into fuel for one's own unhappiness. Jealousy makes the outside world, natural events, and human relating a personal thing... a perception of personal attack, personal injustice, an expanded feeling of being unloved.

Is it possible to reveal to a jealous person how the feeling, the pain, all that hurt is caused and created solely by themselves? Can the jealous person see that trait for what it really is, just a need within themselves that they can actually fill themselves?

And as for those folks that purposely try to incite jealousy in their partners and friends... well, that's right up there with faking orgasms. It doesn't do anyone justice.

There's no room for jealousy in my life. Not when I'm wholly honest, strive to be fully myself in all moments, and when I want an open, freeing, and positive relationship to grow with. There's no room left for back-stepping, boundaries, self-doubt, or carrying a partner through issues that exist only in their own head. And for the most part, I'm not held back by any of that in my current primary relationship.

Oh, but he is a jealous man.

And I've spent years trying to prove the same to him. It ain't easy. A "man's man" implies a bit of primal behavior and archaic views. I love what's manly within and all about him, but I can't stand the existence of that trait that holds us both back and would keep us from loving, respecting, and honoring each other fully. But with each day that I grow older, I have less tolerance for even being near a cloud of jealousy.

My live-in lover first showed signs of having the trait when I first met him. "You're not my boyfriend," I repeated often. But when he showed he realized I was the traveler in his home country, on my own personal quest to live life to the fullest and experience all the beautiful things, moments, and people the world has to offer, I agreed to honor his request that I didn't "fool around with" any of his own friends, no one in the small town where he then lived, no one that could possibly tell a tale after I was long gone that the girl that was always by his side for weeks was playing around with his neighbors at the same time. Fair enough.

Yet, when it was time for me to move on, he got pissy because my female travel partner and I were taking up another man's offer for a free paragliding lesson next. Just a goddamn bit of fun. I still had to remind him that he had no claim on me, there was no verbal agreement of exclusivity between us. And there still wasn't one as our separate travels brought us together again, apart, and together again.

When we found ourselves rooming together in Australia, we still had complete freedom, we were fuck buddies, neither one of us wanted to be limited in our personal exploration of life, love, and our individual or shared pursuit of happiness. Yet, I could point out beautiful women to him, but my live-in lover would grumble if I spotted a man with a sexy haircut. We could play with whom we wished, but he didn't want me to actually talk about that fact or mention another man.

As the possibility of my meeting and mating another became more real to him, he wanted to set new rules. At first, we'd discuss it together before it happened. Later, we were supposed to play only together. Meanwhile, as I talked to a group of male fellow travelers in a social atmosphere, my live-in lover barged into our conversation, threw his arms around me, planted a deep kiss on my lips, and ran off again without so much as a polite word to me or acknowledging those I was talking to. And I realized just how many opportunities I'd be missing out on in this beautiful world if I couldn't enjoy them alone, my way, as myself, and without jealousy suffocating us all.

Years have passed, many in-depth discussions about what we want for our relationship and the experiences we have shared and hope to continue to share together have taken place together and with others, and our rules have evolved along with our relationship, our individual needs and wants, and our connection with each other. I have complete freedom; he has complete freedom. And that makes our relationship so beautiful, respectful, intimate, and complete to me.

Yet, the jealousy hasn't gone away, it's only changed faces. I've noticed the last few times that I've been in a social setting and drinking with my live-in lover that he develops a predictable dislike for any man I might happen to have a conversation with. I'm not flirting, I'm not trying to meet a new lover under the guise of enjoying quality time with my primary partner himself, and yet... there's always something negative about any other man that my lover seems to see.

I hear, "I don't like how he talks to me" or "he said something I don't like" or "he just wants to get in your pants." The night's cut short, I'm still surprised at how his jealousy rears its ugly head after all this time, all of our challenges and renewed strength, all of our shared trust. This new trend was rolling around in my head as I tried to figure out how to approach my lover about it, about how it just wouldn't do.

I was beginning to think the only way I'd even be able to make new male friends, enjoy being a female in a social setting and all the natural attention that fact derives for me, or have a good conversation with someone else was if I was away from my own partner. And I don't want it to be that way. No one should have to live like that. Any moment spent in unhappiness is a complete waste of precious time.

Before I could judge the appropriateness of the moment, it all came out: his jealousy, my suffocation, the pain it's causing both of us, the destructive role it will play in our relationship.... and what I want for us, what he still desires, what he really wants, how he really feels, and where the jealousy grows from.

For now, it's all better. He sees himself a little better, and I see his personal needs and intentions more clearly. It's all out in the open and what we are together is growing more positive and intimate again.

A relationship is always a work in progress, a bit of constantly evolving human art. This one may very well be our shared masterpiece.

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Tara and Her Fans & Friends | 2008-08-03 11:22 Curvaceous Dee 08/19/2007 05:22 AM Bravo, Tara! You and I think quite alike when it comes to jealousy, I see - it's nice to know I'm not the only one who pretty much just doesn't feel it. The thing with jealousy is that it's always ugly, whether it's reared it's head or not. I'm glad that you and your lover have been able to get some of his issues out in the open, given how they're impacting you and him. Here's hoping that there's some improvement! xx Dee Tara, your Admiring WebMistress 08/19/2007 06:05 AM Thank you for the support, Curvaceous! It's nice to find a fellow woman who understands and sees jealousy for what it really is. I'm surprised myself that I haven't felt more jealousy throughout my relationships; I think it helps to understand what jealousy really is, where it comes from, how it's centered only on how you feel about yourself. ... and there's knowing that we're all different, all offer something unique and important to the world and our relationships, none of us can be replaced, and each of us offers a new experience and learning for another. There's really nothing to be jealous of... and those are also arguments for polyamory itself. ;) Vasper Janik 08/19/2007 10:07 AM I am the first to admit to bouts of jealousy during relationships in the past. The problem is that they have come in bouts and then they disappear as if the jealousy itself has its own life. It can be controlled, after all, it is thoughts and thoughts alone that create jealousy and fuel its fire and if we cannot control our own thoughts then we have no control over ourselves at all. I used to remind myself that I have no control over another person and if they wanted to do something then that was their decision and why would I want to try and change their decision. I wonder where it really stems from? I don't think it is really about low self esteem or about control, I think it is more about the loss of intimacy or even "love" that can appear to be lost due to...

Tara's Fans & Friends | 2008-08-03 11:22 Linda 08/28/2007 11:13 PM My God, Tara, how I have missed the ability to leave a comment on your blog! Well, I finally appear to have ironed-out this problem, even though I have to use a Mac laptop with kinda slow DSL... I just finish my comment, hit the Tab key, then hit Enter, and I show up. Goddess knows why the Submit button doesn't show on Mac. Maybe it's the Firefox browser? I hear that for webmasters/mistresses, it's reaslly best to check your website in as many different browsers as possible, to see how it views to different users. Right now I cannot see what I am typing.... but girl, you are SEXY.... I deleted my old blog, by the way. And satarted a new one.

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3.23 Copyright (C) 2007 Alain Georgette / Copyright (C) 2006 Frantisek Hliva. All rights reserved."