Sex with the Ex: the Good and the Bad

Written by Tara Tainton

Thursday, 28 July 2005 23:00

If you've had sex with an ex partner, mate, or spouse, raise your hand. Yeah, mine's up. And my ex sex experience had to be with the husband, newly separated and not yet divorced. It was just a few times: three, maybe five. And it wasn't all that great, but it was something, which seemed to be just what I needed at the time. And when you're making the move, willingly or unwillingly, to create major change in your life, sex with the ex can mean a real confidence booster. The key to taking advantage while avoiding disadvantage is in remembering why your ex is an ex in the first place.

Jessica Bacharach wrote an excellent article from personal experience for the Eagle Online. In "Caught with your Pants Down: Sex with Ex Is Bittersweet Treat," Jessica shares what most of us are very familiar with: "While I no longer wanted the ex as the man in my life, I wanted the sex. I craved it like the Halloween candy you just can't stop consuming." She also understands just why we do that dirty thing we choose to do.

"Sex with an ex is a seductive trick. Whether it's orgasmic is irrelevant because it is no longer yours to indulge in. If you choose to rekindle the flame, all of the reasons for the break-up still apply, and now history is regurgitated and the ex is soon gone-but the baggage remains." As for the result, "The sex was definitely a treat. History was left at the door. But the morning after, the stale feelings were still in bed with me. Having sex with an ex is a true test of emotional control. Can you put old feelings aside for the sake of passion and the moment?"

couple table sitting ex

About.com offers their Divorce Support section to help with just such a dilemma. "Sex with Your Ex? Could You? Would You? Should You?" lays down the reasons why playing with the ex looks so tempting:

Perhaps he was the first and only man with whom you were intimate. You're comfortable with him, uncomfortable with the thought of being intimate with anyone else.
Perhaps she's the only woman who ever really set you on fire. You've been obsessed with the physical relationship since the first day the two of you "did it."
Perhaps you're willing to accept the physical intimacy as affirmation that he (or she) still truly does love you even though the marriage has ended.
Will sex with your ex cause you problems as you try to get on with your life?

John D. Moore presents a comprehensive checklist of those things you should consider before hopping into the sack with the ex in "Ex Sex: Should You? When Is Sleeping with a Former Partner a Bad Idea?" And you'd be wise to take heed.

Will having sex with my ex cause emotional pain?
Is my ex trying to use sex as a way of getting back into a relationship?
Will I be repeating the same patterns of the past with this person by opening up the sexual door?
Will I be betraying any promises to myself by allowing this person into my life again, if even in a sexual capacity?
How will having sex with my ex cause me to feel afterwards?
Are my motives purely physical, or is there something more?
Will having sex with this person help me to create a sense of closure or a misguided sense of connection?
Am I having sex with the person because of repressed feelings of guilt for breaking off the relationship?

"If your answers to these questions have given you pause for concern, sex with your ex may not be the wisest choice. It is easy to allow a physical attraction to a person to get in the way of good judgment." So, then what? Let's say you're gonna turn down the ex this time around. How do you avoid the temptation for the moment?

Remember the key: the reasons why you're not really suited for each other in a relationship are still there. Keep them in mind. "Try to remember the reasons you decided to break off the relationship with your ex in the first place. Ask yourself if having sex with your EX will open up a 'Pandora's Box' of emotional heartache. Keep focusing on the reasons as to why you ended the relationship and then stick to your guns."