Tara Tainton

It's still fresh in my mind... every... single... delicious... detail. I wish I could stay in that dream world just long enough to quench the longing, long enough to have my way with him - or grant my permission for him to have his way with me - and long enough to just enjoy the moment for as long as I've always desired to.

The dreams have been all the more frequent lately. Sometimes nightly, sometimes every few days. And just when I thought I must've finally, subconsciously let go of him and he had no more appeal for me in my dream life or real life. I was so wrong.

I'm dreaming of seeing him again, of his younger self or even his now-self standing within view, almost touchable, and our mutual eye contact is one of the most delicious moments of all. We both feel the same way about each other. Always have, always will... at least in the scenes playing out in my recurring dreams.

He's that boy that I once loved, adored, and used to sit in my classes at school and daydream about when I was 14, 15, 16 years old. I would replay the last moment I was with him in my mind over and over, completely ignore what the teacher at the front of the class was saying or directing, and I'd feel all the same butterflies all over again. Just as I did in the moment I was recalling, just as I did every single time he'd look at me, say my name, or I'd open a fresh love letter penned in his handwriting. My skin used to burn when his would touch mine; my whole body would feel a rush of energy running through it long before I knew what that meant, what had been naturally triggered within my teen body, or what enormous pleasure would be felt if we just took our innocent touches a step further.

We never did.

Perhaps that's why his memory is burned permanently in my subconscious mind, his image appears in so many of my dreams, truly delicious dreams, and he continues to symbolize innocent sexual appetite, pleasurable possibility, and delicious frustration for me. But how does that explain his same habit of thinking of me as well, even to this day? Why would he feel the same connection or be driven to contact me periodically as the years pass?

I'm done wondering "why." I'm finished thinking of the past. And I've even struggled with my own choice to entertain thoughts of him at all or consider meeting him in the present, knowing his adult self, and carrying out what may unavoidably happen between us. I've wondered if he's using me, if I'm some nice little thought to keep fresh in his mind, a sort of backup girl he'd like to think is available to him when he needs emotional and sexual fulfillment. I've wondered if we really are still friends just because we were best friends and lovers so many years ago.

And yet, I continue to dream. And my subconscious continues to court him, be courted by his memory, and really enjoy the feeling of his presence even if it's all in fantasy. My dreams are wholesome, true, and filled with honest intention. I want to be with him, touch him, know him, and continue our friendship into our adult lives.

Last night, when I spotted his presence in my dream again, it felt so darn good. I actually, physically felt very real butterflies, that tingling, so-good sensation when I sat next to him, cuddled him, and his arms wrapped around me as I laid my head on his chest. I felt them.

And I want to feel them again.

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michael g.b. | 2008-07-02 19:47 Thomas Wolfe wrote the novel: "You Can't Go Home Again" (and there's a neat song by this same title . . . i have it on an old LP by Lana Cantrell) . . . You can dream . . . You can imagine . . . but . . . You cna't go home again. . . . :(

Will  - Sweet Dreams:)   | 2008-07-03 07:13 When memories produce dreams, such as this, it's a gift. You've written well here, Tara~~(I love your more "inner," personal, posts.) ** Sweet Dreams, always. ~x~Will

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3.23 Copyright (C) 2007 Alain Georgette / Copyright (C) 2006 Frantisek Hliva. All rights reserved."