Tara Tainton

What is a bachelorette party supposed to be about? What merits the occasion? It's supposed to be a woman's final fling... only recently even made tradition as the opposite sex's equivalent to that infamous bachelor party. Before she commits to the pressure of monogamy, she's supposed to live up the single life.

Of course, that'd still be my own view, my own individual perspective and preferences in relation to all that's "out there" and influencing us when it comes to life, love, and holy matrimony. J- didn't have many questions, didn't even seem hesitant or expectant about her upcoming wedding in a few months. Another of her friends is putting together a collection of memories, advice, and well wishes for the occasion of J-'s marriage, a sort of guidebook for the upcoming trials and tribulations or maybe just a memorandum of the life and friendships she once had. I guess that's when a bit of my own flavor of relationship advice will be requested formally.

Until then, I'm just continuing to be reminded of how different we all do view partnerships, relationships, and marriage. And just how much my own views have evolved over the years. When those younger women in the group gathered for this bachelorette party weekend caught wind of my own individual relationship views and lifestyle.... holy cow...

The night started off tame enough. I was informed via text message that the girls were just about to arrive in Vegas from Phoenix, the party would start in the hotel room asap, and my presence was mandatory. I showed up at the Platinum Hotel suite to find J- and three more young hotties still getting ready. They pushed me toward the fridge to select from all the clear colored liquor while J- started quizzing me and catching up on the last few years at breakneck speed.

One of the girls is married, one engaged, one single, one newly divorced with kids, and me. J- brought up my New Zealand lover, and the girls became fascinated by the idea of my having hooked up with a foreign hottie while traveling in another hemisphere. Before I knew it, they were draining me of every detail of the story, one that seems so far in the past to me now. The single mother complained of wanting so badly to be married, to find her "one," to just be happy.

And how in the world do you explain to a younger woman that happiness and love must come from inside yourself first before you can receive more of it elsewhere? J- was already sharing how her soon-to-be-husband was pressuring her to have children right away while she was worried that his over-partying signified he wasn't ready to take care of another human at all. Yikes.

Two more 20-something, single beauties showed up, luggage in hand, from the airport, choosing not to sit through the drive from Phoenix. There was talk of looking up some male strippers to enjoy, then something about hitting the posh clubs on The Strip. Yet, J- wanted all of us gals to get to know each other a little better via some drinking games and rounds of provocative questions. It didn't take long to realize just what kind of group of women I was in the middle of.

They'd already shared their fears of turning 30, how turning a mere 25 hit them so hard. They couldn't believe I was past 30 years of age myself, and I tried to share the secret of staying young. It's all a state of mind, a good dose of self-love, and just allowing your inner child to still play.

The rounds of questions went around the table, and I soon learned they all refused to have anal sex with the men in their lives, few have had a one-night stand, and J- herself is the only one who managed to have all-out intercourse with her boyfriend while he was driving a car. A few of us had fantasized about another man while having sex. One of the group had to ask how that was actually possible.

I made the mistake of mentioning fantasizing about my first love, the one I've never fucked, the one I'd fuck in a heartbeat if he was just within reach. Everyone in the group was stunned. "You mean you'd want to have sex with him, right? But you wouldn't actually do it."

"No, I'd fuck him. I'm dying to." So, I had to explain. My live-in lover and I have an open relationship. We talk about these things. We've openly, verbally agreed that we both have the freedom to experience other people as the desire arises. We deal with each occurrence as it happens, always keep tabs on our relationship to each other, and maintain the same idea we shared when we first met: relationships should be freeing, not limiting. We're not about to limit the amount of happiness the other can have access to. We'd never want to give up our own opportunities to experience life in full.

My chosen lifestyle and relationship type wasn't making any sense to the other women. Their jaws dropped; they were silent. A few of them brought up the lines they draw in their own relationships. They said they could never share their partner, could never let him do anything with another.

J- said she and her boyfriend have talked about the rules for their own relationship. Theirs are dangerously vague. "I've told him if he does something that he can't come to me and tell me, then he knows that's not something that he should be doing. If he feels all right telling me about it, then it's okay."

The single mom mentioned self-confidence. She said she admires me but would never have enough confidence to see, deal with, or understand her partner doing anything with another. The group wanted to know how in the world I could come to perspective and comfort I have in my own chosen relationship style. I pointed out that age has a lot to do with it. I've been through more relationships, learned more about myself and what I want or what I want to give to another, I've grown more comfortable with myself.

"Oh, but I don't think age has anything to do with it!" one exclaimed. "I'm not going to be okay with that when I'm any older."

"No," I explained. "I didn't come to these beliefs simply because I grew older; growing older has a lot to do with my changed ideals. It's about going through different things, even experiencing other cultures and types of relationships, it's about what I want for myself as much as what I don't want to prevent my partner from enjoying." And it's all very personal. There is no right way or one way. This is just my way.

None of them could understand. None of them could realize how I could be in a loving, committed, happy, and sexually satisfying relationship and still look to the forthcoming evening wondering if I'd run into a hot guy I might end up making out with and then telling my partner about. How could I possibly want that? How could my lover possibly be okay with that?

And all I could do was sit back and remember what I've gone through, how my own views began to change when I was newly divorced, 25 years old, and the world was my oyster again. I only hope the rest of the group of my new girl friends can have the same fun, excitement, love, and happiness... in their own way.

We eventually hit The Strip, enjoyed VIP treatment, free drinks, and lots of attention due to the veil and crown wearing bride-to-be. We danced - and walked - the night away. J- participated in a body shot gallantly, and I followed suit. Yes, I licked salt off a guy's lower stomach, made sure I sucked the juice out of the lime slice between his lips as passionately as possible, and another man did the same to me. All in good conscience, all in good fun, and my live-in lover arrived at the hotel suite after 6am to carry my drunk and barely conscious ass home again.

Come to think of it, I kissed a black man and a Canadian for the first time in my life. Now, that's a treat. I love sexual firsts. Especially when I can enjoy them regardless of who I've invited into my life to share it with me at the same time.

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Tars and Her Fans & Friends | 2008-07-26 21:46 BTExpress 07/23/2007 03:21 PM To each his own, I say. I seriously doubt I'd be as understanding as you or your partner, but I never really knew I'd be as understanding as I am. (Re: the party in Dallas) I thought I would be, but having never experienced anything like that, I never really knew until it happened. Tara, your Open WebMistress 07/23/2007 03:33 PM I think that's what it's all about, BT. Over time, as life moves along, you find yourself in different situations, there are different influences, and new acquaintances offer a new perspective. All of our ideals change over time, sometimes in completely unpredicted ways. I think it's those that have hard and fast rules from the very beginning that end up inviting more problems, disappointment, even heartbreak. We're all individuals, making every relationship different, and we need to make any "rules" as we go along. If we can adapt to what life will throw at us, guaranteed, then we can maintain healthy relationships and happiness all along the way. :) Joey 07/23/2007 10:50 PM Tara, I had always admired (and envied) your ability to have an open relationship. I had never thought it possible until now. I've found that the key, ultimately, is trust. We both want each other to have as many other wonderful and exciting experiences as we desire...and it feels good! (I think your sexual freedom has a lot to do with what keeps you looking so young and gorgeous as well, Tara) I only hope that you can be here for MY bachelorette party...what a night THAT will be! Tara, your Fun-Loving WebMistress 07/23/2007 11:35 PM I would absolutely KILL you, Joey, if you decided to have your own bachelorette at any moment that I wasn't able to be there for it! I trust you'll hold off for a bit. ;) You also touched on more good points about the strength or reasons for the evolution of an open relationship. So right. It does have to be a combination of the right people as well, not just one person's lofty id...

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3.23 Copyright (C) 2007 Alain Georgette / Copyright (C) 2006 Frantisek Hliva. All rights reserved."