Inside the Creative Mind

Written by Tara Tainton

Sunday, 08 May 2005 00:00

Blogging seems to persuade the blogger to become focused, have a theme in mind for the day's publicized thoughts, or grasp one of the many straws of ideas that happen to be poking up the highest out of your closed fist. But the creative life isn't really like that. A writer's mind (and I think blogging itself requires a creative mind despite a lot of bloggers never actually showing theirs) is consistently flooded with different ideas, and most of them aren't actually any more important than the others. It's not a theme that's running through your mind consistently, it's just life.

At this moment, I happen to feel scattered in just that way. My mind's all over the place, and though I can normally pick one prominent idea to rule the day, I just don't want to right now. I like to give myself and my mind as much creative freedom as possible, and when they're temperamental, they're allowed to remain that way as long as they like.

So, while my mind is throwing its own little temper tantrum in my head, I'll take a quick snapshot of a mere moment in the life of a writer, most likely applicable to that of all creatives. All at the same time, these are the thoughts my mind pauses to ponder while it's trying to make sense of life, turn events into story ideas, and just figure out what it wants to have a taste of for dinner...

I'm wondering how in the world I can spend endless hours meddling in my own little projects on my laptop and not feel like I"m missing out on "getting out there and living."
I'm trying to define what it means to be "rejected," at least in the writing and submission sense, because it doesn't bother me now but I wonder if it will in the future. I just received a form letter (that actually apologized for its own form-like qualities in the first paragraph) in the mail yesterday rejecting a manuscript I'd submitted just 3 weeks ago to a major print magazine. And now, why am I feeling inclined to keep the name of the magazine a secret like is the tendency for other writers or bloggers? Actually, it was Swank magazine, and the rejection letter hadn't checked off "not sexually explicit enough" or "too short or too long" or even "the style or story does not suit our magazine" as were all possible options, but only checked "we are overstocked."

Now, how can I be upset over that kind of rejection? Of course, that stupid self-doubting side of me nurtured by society and the residue of the rat race I used to be a part of is wondering if they check that really nice reason for everyone's submission they don't want. Well, I'll never know, and I really shouldn't care. The fact is, rejection is only in the mind of the rejecter and has nothing to do at all with the person being rejected.
Part of me is nudging me to feel guilty for just having eaten two ice cream sandwiches instead of one. The other part of me is ignoring that first part and just enjoying the beautiful sunny day.
I'm left slightly in awe of the state of mind I used to have, at least in regards to relationships and my self-value. I just did an odd thing and opened up the very first adult journal entry I ever wrote up and tucked away on my first laptop: a file dated in April of 2000. I was about to choose to leave my husband, and I suppose I was trying to weigh the options for my own benefit, talking myself through it all. I wrote something five years earlier about needing to have constant reassurance from a partner that they love and care for me and in fact, I wanted to be idolized. And now, my 2005-self is disgusted but will soon remember the strong and independent woman she is today and laugh at who she used to be.
I'm reflecting on the fact that a fellow web design professional (well, I used to do it professionally and now I just play in web design for my own kicks and giggles) informed me last night that the site I designed and built in entirety for a friend's restaurant business is worth about $5,000 USD in today's market. And I did it all for free merely because I like the food there, and the owner mentioned one day that he knows he should have a website in this day in age but can't afford to have one designed professionally.
I'm also pondering how that same friend mentioned something along the lines of "That'll make an excellent addition to your portfolio now. You would get more business without a problem." I replied, "but I don't want a portfolio. Not anymore." And he returned, "but it's nice to have money; you can do lots of things with it." Of course, he's a friend of a friend and doesn't realize I used to do that work professionally, that I used to make twice as much in one year as he was bragging about hoping to get at his next promotion, and I willingly left that world so I can have this one in which I'm completely free.
I'm wondering if "they" will ever "get it," or if my kind will always be a rarity.
I'm thinking about all the friends and acquaintances I just announced the existence of TaraTainton.com to and wondering how they'll respond. Some will thank the heavens that the side of (insert real name here) they always hoped to see is now available for public viewing and become my fans for the remainder of their lives. Others may be dumbstruck and then utterly intrigued. Still others may be speechless and not able to accept yet another open-minded person into their closed-off lives. I think it's fun to run this little test by them and see just who passes and will make it over to the other side with me to the land where we can all be honest and open.
I'm wondering why I'm meeting so many Brits lately.
I'm flabbergasted that some people have that serial monogamy habit and can't stand to not be partnered up on a continuous basis. I wonder if they'll ever get to know themselves or be limited to seeing how they tend to change and adapt to those they pair themselves with.
I'm thinking about how fantastic it will be to have blue hair when I color it in a few days.
I'm still perusing those mental pictures in my mind of the naked, all natural, and completely hairy "hippy chicks" I saw on a nude photography site yesterday.
I'm daydreaming about how my lover will surprise me next when his spontaneous desire rises up and he sets out to seduce me.
And it was so cute last night when he was wearing the garter around his head that my brother had just been tossed at a wedding earlier in the day.