A Public Identity, a Private Matter

Written by Tara Tainton

Monday, 13 December 2010 06:23

Curiosity killed the cat, they say. In this case, it led to a powerful orgasm, an orgasm laced with those evil, guilty feelings. Orgasms, I would hope for everyone, would never be guilt-ridden. And natural curiosity, would never be something to lament or even regret. After all, isn’t that why we’re all here? We’re curious about others: other lifestyles, other choices, other sexualities, relationship types, what others are up to, what other options exist for us… the curiosity is limitless.

Last night, I found my lover had followed his natural curiosity and combined a clever pair of keywords to seek out my online identity. Although he was completely filled in with every detail of my work, from my writing to my video production business, every single one of his questions answered openly and completely honestly, I hadn’t yet told him my full pen name. I wanted, as has been my usual practice with new intimate acquaintances, friends, and lovers, to be there with him when he first looked upon TaraTainton.com. I wanted him to enjoy the physical comfort and reality of having me at his side, the complete person he’s come to know so quickly and so intimately and so fondly, while being presented with a singular focus of my life and work: my online identity.

I’ve never been in that situation myself. I’ve never made a friend or taken a lover who’s naked body and sexual actions are visible online… in a massive, seemingly endless collection, no less. No acquaintance of mine has shared of themselves so publicly or genuinely for all the world to see, chosen to share of themselves in such an intimate and forthright way for any and all eyes to partake of. I can’t say that I know what that’s like. I don’t know why it feels like to meet a person and then see part of their personality presented publicly online. I don’t know what it’s like to discover someone online, get to know a facet of them, and then meet them in person. I don’t know how confusing or odd that might be. I hoped it would be fun, thrilling, new, and discussion-prompting.

My lover followed his curiosity and ended up experiencing his first look at my personal site, photos, videos, and writing all on his own. Fair enough. Totally possible. I nearly expected it to happen. No biggy. Right? Not quite so.

We’d talked about my work, the fact that I’m performing in hardcore videos with an ex-lover of mine visible throughout the internet. My lover assumed he’d be uncomfortable if he ever viewed those products directly himself. Fair enough. Yet, last night, he found himself drawn to just that specific view…. He was turned on by the idea of watching me give head to my ex. He was turned on, and he watched it, beginning to end. And he had, as I hear it, an amazing orgasm.

Unfortunately, when the libido was momentarily quenched, the guilty feelings rushed in. As he tells it, he felt like an 8-year-old boy who’d done something very, very naughty, and he felt very, very bad. Something I never would’ve guessed any fan or viewer and certainly, no lover of mine, would ever feel from watching one of my videos. That’s exactly the opposite of what I’m all about, what I’m in this industry for, what my business is designed around.

And this is when I truly appreciated my current relationship and the terribly forthright lover I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to experience. He was compelled to talk to me, to share exactly what had happened and what he found himself going through, to tell me everything in great detail from beginning to end. Ah, that is exactly what a relationship should be.

He’d enjoyed a great orgasm, actually gotten over a hurdle he thought he’d one day be confronted with and wouldn’t be able to climb over, and was left surprised by his own choices, actions, resulting feelings, and the strength of his own curiosity. I was relieved, all the more flattered and grateful for his continuous honesty, thrilled at his ability to enjoy my work in the most literal of ways and reactions, and so sad to find him troubling himself over the fact that he’d – albeit momentarily – enjoyed watching me suck on my ex’s uncut cock.

Much like the role I’ve taken on these past six years since TaraTainton.com was first born and my own varied exploration into my personal sexuality and most personal beliefs and motivations began, I found myself consoling my lover…. Reassuring him in sharing my own belief that curiosity is natural, healthy, and something to appreciate. That orgasms are natural and healthy. That sexual desire and turnons are natural and healthy. That sexuality itself is beautiful, meant to be explored, and an immensely positive and educational tool. Nothing to feel guilty about. An orgasm at home while watching porn online is safe, sound, and a great way to explore and learn about oneself… and, as is obvious, a great prompter of honest discussion with one’s partner in the healthiest of relationships.

When it came down to it, my lover honestly loved what he discovered of me online. He confirmed for himself, and all of you, that who I present online and in each and every one of my videos or photos is my genuine, compassionate, respectful self. He wholeheartedly admires my writing style, my photo appearances, and my performance in video. He’s on his way to, if not already so, becoming my #1 supporter. He wasn’t bothered by anything he found across the web. He didn’t feel cheated or lied to. He wasn’t grossed out or shocked. He was left feeling guilty that he’d been turned on by…. well, exactly what was conceived, created, published, and sold for all of you to be turned on by and enjoy beautiful orgasms with.

It doesn’t matter if he was turned on by my momentary on-camera actions with an ex; it doesn’t matter if he felt a tinge of jealousy or not. He felt guilty. And it’s my job, my very goal in nearly everything I do, to ensure that everyone I come in contact with learns to banish that guilt when it comes to their own personal sexuality and exploration all together.

Now, whether my lover is truly comfortable with his new realization that my genuine self he enjoys in our own personal, intimate relationship is the same genuine self presented to the entire world through my work, chosen creative expression, and thoughts shared…. and that, therefore, he will always be sharing me with the world… is a question and topic to be left for another time.

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Comments

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Al	\| 2010-12-14 06:51

What a thoughtful blog. It may sound cliche or trite, but I appreciate your honesty and willingness to share your feelings and thoughts in regards to your relationship and its many facets. Makes me more determined to do the same with my wife.

Tara, your Divulging WebMistress

| 2010-12-19 18:13

Very flattering thoughts, Al, and exactly why I'm here, why I set up such a personal site years ago. We'll learn more about practicing full honesty together. ;)

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