Abstinence Makes the Marriage Grow Stronger?

Written by Tara Tainton

Monday, 06 June 2005 00:00

At 19 years old, I was still a virgin. Why? Because I fell for the scare tactics. Only one thing seemed like a worse course in my lifepath than being unexpectedly pregnant in my youth, and that was my Mom discovering I was having sex against the mandate she'd issued to me for as long as I could remember. She said, "I'll know!" when it came to finding out I was acting against her stern wishes, and I believed her. So, I abstained, though my definition of "sex" came to mean vaginal-penile intercourse, and as the years went on, my sexual experience grew while my vagina was left largely out of the picture.

I didn't want those diseases that seemed so darn easy to get. And death, well that was almost imminent if you actually got one of those diseases. And of course, I wanted the fairytale life: the husband who truly honored and loved me and the adoring children. How could I gain either if I was that infamous cow giving away the milk before I'd sold my hide? I was taught that you can't tell if a man truly loves you unless you give him the ultimate test and find he's willing to wait until marriage to have you completely, as if your real worth is bundled up in your virginity.

I was engaged to be married at the age of 18 and married just a month before I turned 20. I married early mostly because I wanted to graduate from college...being a wife was the only way I could get student loans in my own name (i.e., pay for school without my parents' help) before turning 25. We also got married then because, well, we were sick of not having sex...of dry humping and my botched attempts at giving good blow jobs as an extremely shy and sheltered girl. The advice my dear mother issued to me on my wedding night

At 19, I lost my virginity, painfully, to my husband who would then be the only example of intimacy with a man I'd have stored in my sexual database. Was I curious about others? Hell yeah! Did I think they could be more satisfying? Of course not. I didn't know what else was possible in the world. And my husband was experienced; I couldn't imagine him not being an expert at pleasing a woman. I even came to think all men were ashamed of masturbation tendencies and had a horrid case of jock itch, leaving their testicle scabs in a pile on the bed sheets every morning. Yep, that was what I had to look forward to for the next 60 or so years of my life...

Ever since I left that marriage, I've lived life completely differently. I remember how chaotic my first months of marriage were as I was suddenly stuck with a new husband, an instant sex life, and sharing my home with another adult. I was downright frightened of him at times, finally telling him I wasn't going to put out at night as we first got into bed because he instantly jumped me at that time, every night, on the clock, and I'd been programmed to feel completely vulnerable and valueless in those moments without a real choice of my own. There were times when I was secretly researching the definition of marital rape when it was introduced in my college level sociology courses, 'cause I suspected it might happen to me.

What's the point of my story? I came across The Abstinence & Marriage Education Partnership site today, and seeing it burned a hole right through my chest. Ever since my marriage and subsequent divorce, I've realized the instant disadvantages places on a new couple and the entire future relationship when there is no real intimacy before that wedding date. You might as well be married off to a complete stranger; it's really the same thing. Without the opportunity to know each other as well as possible, as thoroughly as possible, you can't realize your true compatibility and you're just playing a game of probability, hoping for the best outcome based on someone's nice demeanor and appearance.

I will never encourage my own children or any human to wait until they're married to experience sex. I think that's a recipe for disaster, a route of ignorance, a scare tactic. Instead, I support sex education in the most complete fashion and encourage safe sex.

This site preaches that "choosing to abstain from all sexual activity before marriage is one of the best ways to prepare for a stable, healthy future marriage." I'm hear to say that's a fucking lie. The organization touts being here to strengthen the institution of marriage. By preaching abstinence, in other words, ignorance, before marriage, they're turning marriage into a sham, into a game of chance. They're saying it's the sex that makes a marriage, the all powerful sex that ties too people together. Instead of giving sex less power; they're giving it more. Sex is important, a really big facet of an intimate relationship, so important that it must be worked out ahead of time if a marriage is to be a truly healthy, positive, and successful one.

It was the slogan on the site that bothered me the most. My fellow American teenagers are being taught to put a price on their personal value, to sell themselves and their sexuality. All their life, freedom, happiness, physicality, and health mean is a piece of gold.

gold bands wedding rings

It's that idea, that our life goal as girls is to be bought with a diamond, that the measure of our worth and love earned is tied up in a piece of jewelry and all the more jewelry we can collect from a male, is what sets us on the wrong path for the rest of our lives. And you know what it says about men. They're sex crazed animals offering nothing to a woman but monetary stability and having no respect for her as a person whatsoever.

Women, the truth is that I and you as well, and yes, you men as well, are worth so much more than a piece of gold or a shiny diamond. Don't fall for the lies. Treat yourself and your life with respect. Educate yourself fully and choose based on your own instincts. Take care of yourselves, and show your worth by making only informed decisions. Before going as far as intending to commit your life to a partnership with another, know everything there is to possibly know about them. It's more than pleasure and compatibility; it's about your personal safety as well.